starting to understand.

years ago, when i stepped home.
i was greeted wif warmth and concern.
i would be telling wad happened in sch over dinner, etc.
i love the feeling of being at HOME.

but as time passed. things get so different.
tis second, she would crash mi down like nobody's business.
the next, she would ask a favour from me.
the veri next, she would try to find fault in me.
soon, i will be filled wif rage from all the ill-treatment.
but i kept quiet and gritted my teeth.
happened fer years. dun tell mi it's menopause.
even a retarded would see she hab some problems wif mi.
dun ask mi if i love her.
cos living under the same roof wif her fer so long.
the love i learnt of, may be different from urs.

eventualli, i made some sense of why is she always behaving like tis.
fer so long, i hab been thinking it's my problem.
but today, i made new conclusions.

the reason fer such a great displeasure wif mi.
is tat she became to be expecting too much from me.
when i dun meet up wif her expectations.
things turn nasty.
every single one.
i am proud of myself.
but apparently, she tink otherwise.

realli. i hate to admit i hab some problem living wif her.
does tis reflect tat i cant along wif ppl?
maybe habing so many frens is jus a cover.
maybe i am veri detestable in fact.
maybe i am realli hard to get along wif.
becos frens are jus ppl who goes out wif u, but doesn't live wif u.

tell mi wad to do.
she acts like she is the most caring mother in front of my teachers.
but behind those doors.
it's a different story.
onli i know wad she realli is.
i hate to think tis way.
but i know she is jus getting forces on her side to bring mi down.
i am sane. i din suffer from any paranoia.
i wouldnt go ard planting motives in her if she treats me right.

"she's ur mum." - angel.
"she is not treating u right." - devil.
"u jus dwelled too much on tis."- angel.
"u cant be wrong. the feelings are so strong." - devil.
SHUT UP.

tell mi. if u bump into a teenage girl.
who is under 21.
she told u tat her family is living in sg.
but she is living on her own.
wad would u tink of her?

however, when compelled.
i cant care abt their opinions anymore.
can u ever, even understand my pain?

____________________________________

okie. i am done wif my grumbling. (><)
haha. back to normal.
yes. i am drastic. LOL!

woot. caught some lines on the tv.
worth pondering over.
here it goes.

"love like u hab never been hurt before.
dance like no one is watching you.
sing like no one is listening.
work like u dun need the money.
live like it's the last day of ur life."

i guess fer u to grasp the philosophy behind these words,
u nid to be under certain circumstances now.
or experienced sth before.

reading it, i generated sth else instead.

"dun love if u dun wanna be hurt.
dun dance if u dun wan ppl to watch.
dun sing if u dun wan them to listen to u.
dun work if u tink u can live without money.
jus grab the knife now if u tink today is the last day of ur life."

hmm.. LOLX. dun bash mi. i know i jus screwed it. =P

i am wavering again.
i am always like this.
but i started to get bored of all these.
not forgetting sick and tired too.
ambiguity kills.